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My best friend recently wrote on the topic of dating. I hate dating. I don’t date. I’ve accidentally been roped into dating, but I’m not touch and go. I can usually tell if I like someone within the first few seconds of seeing them.

Whether I continue to like them or not depends on more time spent, but I’ll know right away whether I’ll want to invest time or not. From there, I get involved or I don’t. It’s cut and dry. It’s practical and nobody gets hurt.

It’s a shame that not everyone is like this. I think it’s absolutely disturbing that I’m even writing on this topic. I guess I thought that people were always direct in affairs of the heart.

I guessed wrong.

I’m old fashioned. I’ve had girlfriends who’ve told me that even if they don’t like a guy, they’ll still go on a date with them for one of two reasons:

1. Politeness
2. A free dinner/tea/what have you

First, that’s not politeness. Politeness is kindness and kindness is honesty. Funny how all my posts are laced with the fact that people are so dishonest.

If you want to be polite, tell someone, “hey, you’re great, but I’m not interested in you.”

If someone cannot handle the truth, they aren’t ready for a relationship anyway. The end. That’s it. I’ve rejected people, I’ve been kindly rejected, and you know what–I lived.

Someone said to me, “hey I’m sorry, I have a girlfriend.” I’ve also said, “hey, I’m seeing someone.” Or “I’m just not interested.”

As for the free dinner: for the love of your dignity, buy yourself dinner and save face. Buy yourself tea. Better yet, buy yourself some morals. Go home at the end of the night with your dignity, please.

So, here’s what we’ve learned so far: don’t accept a date that you’re not interested in. If you can do this one thing, you will be golden.

Next is the actual etiquette on dating. Yes, sadly, some people haven’t mastered this either. I won’t say I’m an expert, but again, being honest is key.

What are you looking for? A casual encounter? Sex? A long term relationship? Marriage?

If your interest is solely sex, say it. You’ll be surprised how many girls and guys are okay with that. I’m not saying it’ll fly with all of us, but that’s not the point, is it? Do you want to have sex with an emotional being who wants more than just sex? No, we don’t want your shallow butt, either.

If you want to sleep with someone that wants to someday get married and isn’t interested in wasting time with your wiener for five minutes, then spare her the time and tell her. Be straight up. “I don’t want anything serious.”

That’s fine.

Actually, most of us will lose our appeal to you fairly quickly, since you’re a dog.

Anyway, if, after spending some time with someone, you decide “nah, not the one,” tell them.

You know what sucks about dating? The dishonesty. We are all human, and we all have feelings. It sucks, but it’s life.

You know what else we are good at? Resiliency and self-respect.

If you tell us that you’re not into us, we can take it. We will be happy to let you go–you’re not the one.

Our soul mates are going to be into us. We know we’re great, and our ego won’t be slighted in the least.

We can let anyone go.

So, don’t spare us by giving us elaborate excuses. If we really like you, (and you’ve been there) we will try to see the best in you.

Oh, your great-grandfather has to get his tuberculosis shot again and you have to take him, so you won’t be around for a day–we’ll buy it. Sure, we will wonder, but we like to believe that the people we choose to trust wouldn’t lie to us about something so trivial. Yes, you not liking us isn’t the end of the world.

It’s the beginning. There are seven billion people on the planet. You aren’t the smartest, most attractive, thoughtful, kind or even in the top ten. You’re actually just luck of the draw. You could’ve been anyone. Don’t flatter yourself.

So, be honest. We will live and love someone infinitely better for us than you.

No hard feelings, chief.

Of course, even after I typed that, I have to mention this thing I heard of. There’s this thing called “the fade.”

Apparently, guys and gals are guilty of this! Basically, you hang out with your love interest for a while, but you get bored or disinterested. Of course, you’re a coward and can’t bear to tell the person that you’re not into them anymore, because …?

I’m assuming since I’ve never done this:

1. You’re keeping them around while you explore other options
2. You’re a sociopath
3. You think you’re so great that someone would kill themselves if you weren’t in their lives

So, instead of being a decent human being, you slow your contacting down. Then you quit hanging out with them. Then eventually, you completely vanish from their life (hopefully into the sewer where you belong–to dine with your rat counterparts).

Some of you are pathetic and lonely enough to try to maintain contact with someone you’re not interested in.

Newsflash: life was great before you. Life will be great without you.

The issue I have with this is the poor person on the other end. There’s a whole movie and book on women. It’s called “He’s just not that into you.”

Isn’t that sad?

There are songs written about people who’ve been lied to, led on, cheated on, etc. I have a playlist of songs (they’re actually beautiful sad songs) written by brokenhearted people who wrote about The One That Got Away. All of this unnecessary heartache that seemingly everyone goes through. Why?

Because one person couldn’t say, “I’m sorry I don’t feel the way I used to about you.”

Maybe I just surround myself with upstanding characters, but the women in my life are all direct, decent human beings.

My best friends have all said, “I’m not interested,” when there was nothing there.

Yeah, I know someone out there is going, “oh but that’s the beauty of dating. The guessing game.”

No, there isn’t a guessing game. Three days to call is too long, and giving someone a runaround is a rejection in my book.

In life we have to deal with shoddy craftsmanship, poor traffic conditions, bad weather, diseases, pets dying, loved ones getting hurt, friends leaving, tv shows ending, shoes and blisters, and a plethora of negative things.

The last thing we should have to deal with is dishonesty from someone we admire (who’s told us the feeling’s mutual–when it’s not). How cowardly must you be to leave like a thief in the night? Pretty cowardly. Lacking a pair of gonads, for sure.

Please don’t reproduce. You’d be such a bad role model.

Years ago, someone said to me, “life is hard. Relationships shouldn’t be.” I didn’t agree then, but I wholly agree now. If everything else is so difficult, why would you make someone else’s life difficult?

If you can’t be an honest person to someone, you deserve the worst. I don’t care how you slice it. Any hardship that life throws your way, I hope it’s magnified, because you shouldn’t be unnecessarily cruel. If you can’t put yourself in someone’s shoes and see how it would feel to be treated the way you treat someone, then you really deserve to get spit on (metaphorically, but if someone wants to literally kick you while you’re down, I wouldn’t be opposed).

So, yeah. No hard feelings, people.

Always be honest.

What comes around goes around.